How to Get a Tough Girl to Like You

Co-authored by Eddy Baller

Last Updated: February 3, 2024 References

She's bold, self-assured and independent, and she has no idea that you exist. Getting past her thick skin will require more than just a friend request or playful flirting--if you want to win her over, you'll have to show her that you respect her for her individuality, and that you are deserving of her respect in return.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Getting Her Attention

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Make the first move. Strong-minded girls are used to being in control, and they can appreciate when a guy takes charge. Go right up and talk to her, let her know that you're interested. She might be guarded at first, but she'll mostly likely be impressed by your directness.^{[1]
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- Don't be too forceful or demanding. This could give her the wrong idea about your intentions.
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Exude confidence. You don't have to be a "bad boy" to display confidence in yourself. Stay relaxed and comfortable in any situation. Be assertive; use a firm, clear voice, and speak your mind. She's probably used to being the most confident person in the room. Stand out and show her that you're just as sure of yourself.
- Assertiveness is the key, not aggression. Come on too strong and you risk looking like a jerk.
- Let your personality speak for itself. There's no need to brag, but don't downplay yourself or be unnecessarily modest. Take pride in yourself and own it.
- Loosen up. It's more impressive to people if you can handle mistakes and awkward moments gracefully.
EXPERT TIP

Eddy Baller
Dating Coach
Eddy Baller is a Dating Coach and the Owner of a dating consulting and coaching service, Conquer and Win, based in Vancouver, Canada. Coaching since 2011, Eddy specializes in confidence building, advanced social skills, and relationships. Conquer and Win helps men worldwide have the love lives they deserve. His work has been featured in The Art of Manliness, LifeHack, and POF among others.

Eddy Baller
Dating Coach

Our Expert Agrees: When you're talking to a girl who's confident and attractive, stand up straight, make good eye contact, and speak in a clear, self-assured voice. If your level of confidence matches or exceeds hers, she's probably going to respond well to that.

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If she values her individuality, she'll also be able to recognize yours. Don't mindlessly follow trends or conform to what others are doing hoping it will get you noticed. Instead, be up front about your interests and beliefs and make it clear that you're someone worth knowing.
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Relate to her. Find things that the two of you have in common, no matter how small. You don't have to dress the same or have the same favorite band, but the more she can relate to you, the more comfortable she'll be around you.^{[2]
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- Finding things you have in common can be as broad and impassioned as political beliefs or as casual as your favorite breakfast cereal. Take this opportunity to get to know more about her, and as you do, you'll find that you have more things you connect with.
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Be a little bit mysterious. While it's great to be direct, assertive and up front, leave a little for her to wonder about. She'll want to know more about you if you keep her guessing, and you'll come off as a more complex person. This could be the lead-in you need for your next conversation or date.^{[3]
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- Hold a little back in conversation. Don't be too eager or talk about yourself too much. Let her imagination do some work in figuring you out.
- Don't complain. Quiet dignity is an undeniable trait in anyone.
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Don't try too hard. There's no need to lay it on too thick. She'll know if you're boasting or trying to seem more appealing to her, and talking yourself up too much can be annoying.
- Confidence and assertiveness are qualities that anyone can develop, not stand-ins for your innate personality. If you get too wrapped up in trying to impress her, you'll lose sight of yourself.
- Trust her enough to let her make up her own mind about what she wants.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Getting to Know Her

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1
Find out what makes her tick. Make it your mission to discover what sets her apart from the rest and understand her motivations. You can accomplish this by talking to her, and you should, but also pay attention to unspoken cues like body language and the way she interacts with others.^{[4]
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- She may hold on to a tough or uninviting persona due to the way she's been treated by others in the past. Approach her with no judgment, and don't make her feel cornered when getting to know her.
- Everyone is different. Be careful making assumptions about her character or trying to analyze her based on the way she looks or the things other people say about her.
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Show an interest in her interests. Even if you're not that keen on the books she reads or her favorite place to eat, make an effort to know what they are. Get involved in the things that are important to her. If you like her, you should be accepting of her interests, as they're part of what makes her who she is.
- Listen actively when she talks about her interests, and be enthusiastic when talking about yours.
- Ask her for recommendations for new things to try, watch, read and listen to.
- Go where you know she might be. Don't be creepy about it, but listen for cues about things she likes and look into them for yourself. If you know she's into roller derby, go watch a match. If you happen to run into her, tell her you were intrigued by what the two of you talked about and wanted to learn more.
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Get to know her friends. Talk to her friends to find out more about her, and let them see the kind of person you are. A person's friends can say a lot about them, and they're also the people that she's closest to. Winning the favor of her friends can go a long way toward getting her to like you.^{[5]
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- You may also make new friends of your own this way. If you like her and she likes them, there is probably be something about them you would like as well.
- Friends are not instruments for getting her in your corner. They can provide insight into what she's like and provide a buffer for hangouts, but you should never manipulate her friends just to make yourself look better.
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Do things with her. Take every opportunity you can to spend time with her. If you're going out or know of an upcoming event, invite her along. Doing things together allows you have shared experiences, which will bring you closer. It's usually flattering to girls just to know that you want them around. She'll appreciate the effort.^{[6]
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- Now you can both start to enjoy your common interests together. Rather than just following her recommendations, ask if she'd mind having you along to a show or event, or invite her to take part in something you can do together.
- If you have mutual friends, organize a group outing. A casual setting and the comfort of having your friends around is the best environment for cultivating a new friendship.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Breaking Down Her Walls

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Don't let yourself be chased off. There's a chance that a girl with her image and social history may be less open to making new friends. She could be hesitant to open up to you, or try to keep you from getting too close too soon. Don't be put off. Letting her know you like her and want the two of you to get to know each other is about being up front and, most importantly, being persistent.^{[7]
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- Don't be easily discouraged. No friendship falls into place right away. It may just be a matter of seeing her a few times and becoming more comfortable in one another's presence.
- Know when to back off. Though persistence is important, it shouldn't keep you blindly pursuing her if she's just not interested. Try to develop a sense of when enough is enough. If she feels like she's being harassed, it may make her even more closed off.
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Be a good friend. No matter what your intentions are in getting to know her, the strongest foundation is friendship. The two of you will most likely start off as friends, and you may even find that this is more meaningful to you than dating her would be. Don't try to force her into anything or expect things to move too fast. It's up to her whether she wants the relationship to progress; in the meantime, let your friendship be its own reward.
- Others may be reluctant to become friends with her based on the way she looks or acts outwardly. Try to see past the "tough girl" label and get at the essence of the person inside. We're not all that different at the end of the day.
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Let her know she can count on you. Become a reliable figure in her life. Always be ready with a helping hand and prove to her that you can be trusted. She can be the most capable person in the world, but it will still mean something to her to know that you care.
- Make yourself available when she needs you.
- Be someone that she can talk to. That means being honest and straightforward with her, withholding judgment and making her feel at ease.
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Tell her what you like about her. No matter how tough or independent she is, no one minds receiving a compliment. Pay attention to more than just her physical features. Single out the best parts of her character and give them the praise they deserve.^{[8]
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- Sometimes she might just need to hear that someone else likes the same things about her that she likes about herself. Encourage her individuality, don't make her feel self-conscious about it. Attempts to change her subtly by saying things like "you shouldn't be such a loner" or "see, you look good when you get dressed up" will only be met with resentment.
- Lavishing her with too much praise can become tiresome. Say something nice about her when it's warranted; otherwise, it's best not to be too heavy-handed with affection.
- Make her feel appreciated. This is a much more significant thing than just telling her she's pretty or complimenting her hairstyle. True appreciation stems from recognition of someone's positive qualities and successes, and these are the things you want to celebrate with her.

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Tips

Hold off on forming expectations right away. Just enjoy getting to know her. The rest will sort itself out with time.

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Helpful 2 Not Helpful 0
Give her her space. Like anyone else, how much attention you should show her will be determined by her attitude towards you.

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Don't get in her way. Being in control is an aspect of her personality that you shouldn't feel the need to compete with. There will be some give and take, but shake off the idea that you need to be more take-charge than she is.

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Warnings

No means no. If she's not reciprocating your interest, it means she doesn't want to bothered. Have the class to know when to step away.

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Despite what she may be like, it's not generally wise to think of people in terms of specific labels. She might seem like a "tough" girl to everyone else, but remember: she's just a person. All people deserve the respect to be treated as such.

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